When I was in high school, I was growing physically like any other regular girl. Well, I was developing. It is natural human growth for most people. An elderly man who is a part of my extended family was at home. When my mother was away in the other room, he came to my room and tried talking to me. I could sense unclean energies, intentions, and vibes. I might have been between 14-16 years of age. Something did not seem right. He was telling me about how much he appreciates the way I study and started rubbing my shoulders. Then he tried to hug me tight from behind – he was trying his best to feel my breasts. In just a few seconds, thankfully, I broke free and ran out. Maybe it was partial molestation. Now I understand that it can legally be called “sexual assault without penetration”. I did not know then, but I just knew it was wrong. After that, I ensured he doesn’t even come close to touching me.

It has been maybe ten years since then. I had not realized that I had never voiced this to anyone. In other contexts of the family I kept hearing comments about his attitude like “his attitude is like that, what can we do”, “he should have the common sense” and other such things. And every time I heard it, this incident would come up in my mind, but I never wanted to acknowledge it. I don’t know why, but I just had not. The first time I voiced this was to someone who I love and respect and who has been one of my closest friends for a few years now. I tried explaining, but I don’t think I did a good job of it. But I did, anyway. And his reaction was “Oh! Don’t worry about it; it’s okay, forget it, all these things keep happening in all families.” I did not respond to that. I think for the first time just the fact that I was voicing it was a big deal for me. And I understand that he was trying to pacify me and ensure I don’t break down (which I was on the verge of). I wasn’t ready to stand up against this myself, so how could I expect him to? I was expecting someone else to stand up for me.

My life has changed drastically in the past few months. I am now living in a different country and having experiences that are changing me. And more importantly, I am learning to see my country, its practices, habits, culture, and many others aspects very objectively. My heart and soul have grown immensely in the last few weeks. I am now able to stand up against something that was undoubtedly wrong.

My friend’s reaction was not his fault. At least, not entirely. He was just reflecting the prevailing opinions and beliefs in India. Feeling someone else’s body for one’s pleasure without their permission has unfortunately been seen as “normal” and the attitude towards it is “leave it”, “they are all like that” or “what can we do about it?!”. But let me say this clearly and loudly, it is NOT normal. It is not acceptable for anyone else, even if they are elder to you, to feel your body or touch you inappropriately without your permission. This is not a gender problem but an attitude problem.

After many years and after many experiences I am now strong enough to see this as something that is blatantly wrong. I am nervous, as I write this today in the hope that many more people are strong enough and learn to see this as NOT normal and stand up against it. It took me some courage and love towards my friend to explain to him this attitude issue. It took me belief and trust in our friendship to tell him that I do not want him to be a man who thinks that these things are normal and acceptable. I completely appreciate his willingness to push himself and be open to a change that needs to be done at a deeper level of the mind and the heart. I hope that was one person’s attitude that changed, as a result. We probably have millions of people’s attitudes to change.

In a survey by the Indian Government in 2007 of more than one million children interviewed, 53% said that they were subjected to some form of sexual abuse (of that 57 % were boys). This high percentage is disturbing. Some children experience abuse by their family members repeatedly, and parents refuse to stand up against this! I cannot imagine what impressions would have been created on these children for the rest of their lives. And this cycle will continue unless we all now understand and BREAK IT. We can begin the change only when we start seeing clearly that it is NOT normal.

If we have experienced this (unfortunately), we have to gather the courage and self-love, to stand up against this ourselves instead of expecting someone else to stand up against it or instead of being busy victimizing ourselves. Find the people you trust or groups you trust and gather support to deal with it on an emotional and psychological level. Report these cases even. Understand if and how it might have impacted your life choices, your happiness levels and most importantly your relationships. This healing will make you stronger!

Parents– please have conversations with your children and support them to deal with it and do not brush it away under the carpet for “societal image”. As adults we have to talk about this in a responsible manner in our everyday conversations and children will then know and understand their personal space limits that they can set. Most importantly, adults like the man who came into my room will then understand that it is NOT normal or acceptable and they CANNOT get away with these things. We can then change the attitude one by one for a better India and for a better world.